In theory, at least, because overthinking leads to nowhere good.
The way we think influences the way we feel and act. If we’re lingering on a bad outcome, we’ll begin to feel anxious, we might become fearful and we might act in such a way to avoid it altogether. ”Mission accomplished!”, says the brain.
But think of it another way. Nothing that you’re imagining is actually real. It hasn’t happened yet and it will probably never even happen as you imagine it. So it’s not real.
On the other hand, if you think positive thoughts about an outcome, that’s also not real, due to the same reasons. So why not believe what’s good for you? If neither is true nor real, why believe the negative scenarios, thus self-fulfilling the prophecy?
Because, just as bad thoughts influence the way we feel and act, in the same way good thoughts influence us. If we think that a meeting will go well, we’ll be confident about it and we’ll act accordingly. If we act with confidence, the chances of that meeting to be successful drastically increase.
I know it’s hard, I’ve always struggled with this and I still do. It’s just easier nowadays. Just like everything else, this is also a habit. So it requires determination and practice, but it will eventually get better.
Why not self-fulfil the positive prophecies, instead of the bad ones?
But if both scenarios become self-fulfilling prophecies, wouldn’t that mean that everything in our head becomes real, and we have to be careful what that is?
]]>Ironically enough, today was pretty great, but this single ”bad news” made me soft. It put me down. I’m aware that this is also because I’m tired, but my morale still went down.
But I don’t just teach what I learn, I also try to follow what I teach, so I remembered that consistency is the second most important thing. And even though I didn’t feel like writing, I didn’t know what to write about, I was questioning if it even matters, if the effort will pay off, if I’m good enough … all these questions we usually ask ourselves in these moments … I still sat down and started writing.
Now, this was a mild disappointment; one that lives mostly in my head. My expectations were too high. And disappointment is the difference between expectation and reality. But the way we handle mild and small disappointments determines how we act on the big(ger) ones.
Like everything else, this also turns into a habit. If I would’ve given up and skipped this week, the next would’ve been easier to skip. Then it would've been easier to give up on that side project that is not getting the feedback I hoped for. Then it would've been easier to give up on that big dream that’s harder to reach than I expected.
Ultimately, this is only a hobby and I might stop writing at some point, but not in the face of a small disappointment. Not because ”I don’t feel like it today”. Not because ”it’s too hard”.
Every give up fuels the next one. Every time you give up, the next time will be that much easier to give up again. And slowly, without even realising, you end up in a state where giving up feels much more appealing than trying to overcome the obstacles.
And when giving up becomes easy, you stop searching for ways to find solutions for obstacles. At which point you’ll start feeling overwhelmed, because you can’t see any way to overcome what’s in front of you, so it’ll be easier to give up. A vicious circle forms.
The worst thing you can do is to give up in front of disappointment.
Do you think a pro athlete goes home and victimises themselves about the loss of a championship, on live TV? Or do they go back to training, putting in more effort, to be more prepared the next time?
Do you think famous actors gave up in the beginning, when they were rejected over and over? The answer is an obvious no, otherwise they wouldn’t be where they are now. I’m quite sure they went back to rehearsing, putting in more effort, to be more prepared at the next audition.
Over and over and over.
I’m not saying they don’t have feelings, that they don’t feel the disappointment, that they aren’t upset, sad, or that their morale isn’t rockbottom. It might be. But just for a little while. Or a longer while, sometimes. But what's important is that they get over it. They pick up the pieces and carry on, working harder and becoming stronger and wiser in the process.
Don’t let disappointments stop you in your tracks.
Is it hard sometimes? Good, that means you’ll be learning and growing. Is it painful sometimes? Good, that means the result will be that much satisfying. Does it feel like you can’t do it sometimes? Good, that means the confidence you’ll build will be that much stronger.
Feel what there is to feel, but don’t linger there for too long; you have better things to accomplish.
]]>For my answer, I took eating as an example. The idea would be to track everything and every time you eat something, including the time. This makes you realise not only what and how much you eat, but how often as well.
Now, this can feel intimidating at first, which is what the same reader felt: that this would make it difficult to track and visualise. And I realised that it’s true, it is hard to visualise and it was a problem I faced myself.
As a concrete example, I eventually realised that despite all my tracking, I still don’t have an easy way to see when I mess up — an important thing I want to be aware of. So I started adding ”😒” next to foods I usually avoid. Much easier to notice when I scroll through my history.
After a while, I realised that sometimes I’m okay with eating something sweet every now and then. Which meant I needed an extra differentiating factor for when I’m not okay with it, so I started adding ”❌”.
Finally, I ended up using ”❌” on its own as well, not just alongside sweets. Final tracking system, so far:
Now I can easily see when I mess up with foods I try to avoid, when I mess up by eating when I shouldn’t have and when I really mess up by doing both.
Systems evolve naturally, in relation to your needs. Just start with something and you’ll see in time what changes you need. Only by using the system you will find its flaws and you will adjust to them, or create a new one altogether.
But you have to start.
]]>And that’s what I want to focus on. I’m not saying we can’t see that the situation is bad, because we can. It’s just that it’s hard to realise its true amplitude. We most likely think it’s not that bad. And sometimes we’re so far from the truth, we have no intention of fixing anything, because we don’t believe there is anything important to fix.
I’ll start with a quick example, from my own life. I was overweight pretty much my whole life. In my 20s I don’t think I ever dropped below 120 Kg and if I did, it was short-lived. I’ve been up to 136, at which point it ”struck me” and I lost weight, but I stopped around 120, then hovered between 120–128 from then on.
For all my adult life I thought that I'm not that fat; that if I were to lose 20 Kg and reach ~110, I’d be OK, it would be enough. I really believed it. Now, about the fact that I didn't actually do anything about it is a whole ’nother story, for another time.
Then, last year, I reached 128 again and I finally decided I want to lose weight until 107. That would be the point where I would drop below 30 BMI (obese) and into the overweight zone. Why here and not down to normal? This is also a talk for another time, because there’s a lot to talk about. It involves our identity, how it was formed, how our brain tries to protect it … it’s a full story in and of itself. In short, each of us has an identity, a set of beliefs about ourselves, and our brains fiercely guards it.
Now, the fun part. When I lost those 20 Kg that for all my life I thought would be enough, I realised I could go 10 more and still have a belly. I couldn’t believe it. At that point I realised how distorted my view was.
Fast forward to 99. What do you think happened?
I realised I could go another 10 and still have a belly. Now I really couldn’t believe it. At this point I truly realised how distorted my view was and how hard it is to be objective with the situation you’re in.
For now, that’s where I’ll stop, at 89, right in the normal zone. But think about it. I always believed ~20 will be enough and I flew right past 20, lost 35 and I realised I still have quite a bit to go.
What about other areas of your life? Like entourage/friends, your job, outside influence, etc?
They all obey the same rule. When you’re ”inside” of it, you can not see the truth. It’s one of the reasons why people misunderstand and judge you when you make changes: they can not see their situation and believe everything is OK, when in fact, you now know it’s not (which is why you’re changing).
The worse part is that if someone tries to show you the truth … You’ll most likely deny it. You’ll try to defend your truth, your vision.
I don’t have any tips for this topic. I could suggest to try and be more objective, to be more open to others’ opinions and their help, but I don’t think that truly works by itself. You first have to become aware of how hard it is to see the truth, then you'll be able to accept it.
]]>But I also mentioned that I got back on track after looking back on my logs: what I ate and how much I weighted. What saved me was the fact that I was tracking.
Tracking brings two benefits:
I started this post with #1, so let’s talk a bit about #2 and we’ll use eating as the example.
I started tracking what I eat long after I started losing weight. But during that time, if someone would’ve asked me if I still munch or how disciplined I am with my eating, I would’ve said that I am disciplined; I don’t really munch much.
The key word here is really; I wasn’t totally sure. And, surely enough, after I started tracking, I realised I did munch on stuff now and then. I did eat a small desert now and then. I did eat a few crackers now and then. I wasn’t that disciplined as I thought I was. And I was wondering why I’m not making much progress, ha!
Tracking gives you reality. The real deal.
Tracking also brings perspective. How you’re doing on the short term, but also how you’re doing on the long term, on a big scale. You might have messed up 3 days, but over the last 3 months you’re doing just fine. Or vice-versa, you had a couple of good days this week and another the last week, but you surely know that for the past 3 weeks you’ve been messing up.
No more ”yea, I think I’m doing okay”. You’ll know exactly what’s happening.
Another benefit of tracking? It gives you determination to act positively, in three ways:
Don’t underestimate the value and power of tracking. Pick one thing you’d like to improve and start tracking it, you’ll probably be amazed at how different the reality is to what you thought it is.
]]>The more you quit something when you don’t feel like it, the more you’ll get used to it. Quitting is a habit, like any other. The more you do it, the more engrained it becomes.
The reverse is just as true: continue doing something, even when you don’t feel like it. It will make the quitting habit fade away, if it was present, or build resilience. You’ll get over the feeling of quitting easier. You’ll start feeling like quitting less and less.
This can be thought of as consistency. And it’s one of the most important things in habit formation and habit maintenance. I’ve experienced it first hand many times, even long after a habit was cemented.
I’ve been lifting weights at home daily for more than half a year now. Not many, just one or two sets, but the fact that I do it daily kept me going easily. A couple of months ago, in one day I skipped. A single day. Well, the day after that, I felt much more inclined to skip again.
I, for one, was baffled, so let that sink in for a bit. After 8+ months of a daily habit, skipping once made me feel much more tolerant about skipping the next day. I didn’t skip, but I couldn’t believe that I had thoughts of ”eh, it won’t be that bad if I skip again, I’m really tired”.
For food it went worse; much worse and I didn’t even realised it…
I dropped sugar/junk food/sodas for more than 8 months now and I’ve been eating quite healthy for about half a year. No sugars, reduced processed carbs, veggies, fruits. At some point a while ago, at a friend’s birthday, I ate slightly worse than usual. Don’t imagine I went overboard; I just ate slightly more than usual and a bit of sweets.
Well … the next week, I ate half a tiramisu and a cannelloni — not that bad. But then, the next Monday after, I ate a lot of homemade pastry with cheese — still not that bad, but getting worse. Tuesday I ate a few more. Friday I ate 2 eclairs. Saturday I ate a homemade pizza with cheese — not that bad, but it kept the down spiral going. Sunday I ate sweets, like for real. Monday I ate 1 relatively big tart and Tuesday another one, along with another homemade pizza with cheese.
Wednesday — finally — I realised what’s happening. But that’s mostly because I weigh myself every morning and I track all the food I eat. The red alarm was rang by the fact that in 2 weeks I lost no weight. I checked my food log for the past 2 weeks, I made the connection and I decided to stop. After a few days I gave in again, but that was about it.
At no point did I realise that what I’m doing is wrong; I didn’t realise what’s happening. Not the eclairs, not the sweets, not the tarts. When buying the tarts I even thought to myself that "it’s not that bad, I used to eat two at once and this time I’ll eat one now and one tomorrow". And I believed it, I literally played myself!
Had I not kept track of weight and food, it would’ve slowly went out of control. Maybe I would’ve realised after +5 kgs, at which point it would’ve been so much harder to get back on track, if ever.
Consistency can work for you, but it can sure as hell work against you, if you’re not careful. Choose the right consistency and you’ll see progress you won’t believe. Choose the wrong consistency and you won’t even realise when everything went down the drain.
]]>Truth be told, they might be all of the above. Be it your discipline, your determination, your perseverance, a project you can’t seem to make progress on, or start reading. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, the same rules apply. If you think about it as a whole every time you want to make a move, it will paralyse you.
How so? Your brain will believe that, somehow, everything has to happen now, or all of a sudden. The overall change will be so big, it will affect its identity. It will feel impossible to make all those changes, ”there’s too many of them”. Your brain won’t put things into perspective, unless you consciously do it.
Let’s take a project as an example. Say it’s something that will take 2 full months to complete, or 350 hours. Between a day job, kids, family and whatnot, when will you possibly find the time to fit in 350 hours? It feels impossible.
But take a few steps back. You’ll realise a year has 365 days, so if you manage to squeeze in one hour per day, you’ll finish your project within a year. Add in some extra hours on the weekends and during holidays and you’ll reach the reality: it’s doable.
Besides, better to finish a 2-month project in a year — heck, even two — than … never, right?
Let’s take another example: discipline. Say you’re an undisciplined person in every area of your life: work, personal, in your house, with your friends, you name it. When you realise this, if you focus on the amount of changes you have to do, it will feel that it’s too much. It will feel that you have to revolutionise your life. And you do, but not at once.
Start with your house and focus only on having an ordered place. Continue with becoming punctual when meeting with friends and focus only on that. Then become slightly more disciplined at work. Then become more disciplined at work. One step at a time, one area at a time.
Every step you take brings you closer to your goal. Every single one. It doesn’t matter if you move at a rate of one step or a thousand steps, the important thing is that you’re moving.
Don’t fall into the trap of ”this will take forever”, either. So what if it takes a lot of time? Who decides how fast you have to do it? Isn’t slower better than never? Your life is a marathon, not a sprint.
When I started going to the gym, I had a friend that kept nagging me (with good intentions, no doubt): faster, heavier, more inclined, more reps. Yet I decided to keep doing it at my own pace, even if it was "laughable". I progressed in my own rhythm.
Fast-forward 4 months and I still go to the gym 3 times per week. Have I done as suggested, the start would've been overwhelming and I would've stopped. Like I did many times in the past.
The first law of motion goes: "without external forces, objects in motion tend to stay in motion and objects at rest tend to stay at rest". The same applies to habits and changes, too.
Going from doing nothing (being at rest) to doing a small step (being in motion) requires very little external force; and after you're in motion ... it's much easier to stay in motion than to stop. It’s easier to add another step, and another, and another. The required force will be smaller and smaller.
The added bonus? With every change you make, your confidence, self-esteem, enthusiasm and belief in yourself increase. So the required force to continue on your new path is even smaller.
Soon, you’ll look at your life and realise everything’s changed. How did it all happen? When did it happen? You’re a different person or your project is complete. 6 months, a year or two ago you were thinking that you’ll never be able to get here, that ”it’s too much”.
Yet here you are. All because you started.
]]>But last night I went to bed to ~11:45pm and woke up at ~8:20am. Still with no alarm, which means the body is rested enough.
But today was so hard. I felt exhausted. I was in no mood to do anything. I didn’t feel like writing today. I had no idea what to write (although I have quite a few ideas stashed) and I didn’t feel like working. This is the reason I’m posting so late …
But I finally sat down. I finally started writing. I still didn’t feel like it. I knew it’s not going to be one of my best posts, but I still went for it.
Out of all the ideas I have lying around, I actually ended up writing about my struggle today, because it was an important step forward.
Every time you don’t feel like doing something that you should, every time you feel exhausted, or don’t feel ”well enough”, but you still do it … it’s a win.
How so?
The brain has lots of tools at its disposal. When it doesn’t feel like doing something, when your energy is low and when your willpower is almost depleted, your brain will use all those tools to make you not do what you have in front of you.
Why?
Because it’s easier not to. It’s easier to waste time. It’s more energy efficient for your brain if you lay in the bed, take a nap, or watch a movie. And, from a survival perspective, it’s also _safer_, because if your brain can conserve energy, you’re better prepared in case of emergency, for the brain, at least.
But, on the other hand, this whole ”I’m not in the mood to” is also a habit. Every time you give in and don’t push through, the habit grows stronger and stronger. Of course the reverse is true, as well. Every time you push through, it grows weaker and weaker, which means it will be easier to overcome in the future; it will be rarer and rarer.
The general advice is that if you set yourself a goal and you don’t feel like it, or maybe you don’t feel well enough to do it, you should do the best version that you can _at that moment_, even if it’s objectively crap.
In Superhuman by Habit, Tynan gives an example where if your goal is to write 500 words per day and you’re in such a bad shape that you simply can’t … write 500 random words. It’s still better than doing nothing and it keeps your routine going.
I was writing about this as well in my Reddit post, where I was saying that most of the time we feel "too tired", we're actually not in the mood. The brain is trying its best to make us not do the task in front of us.
But let’s say it’s true and you truly are exhausted. If you do manage to push through, a feeling will start to emerge: ”If I managed to do x when I was exhausted, it means I really care for x; it means I can do it anytime and _all the time_”. This boosts confidence and further cements the activity.
I know I could’ve done better. I know this isn’t too long. But it’s a living proof that I pushed through, even when the day was long and hard.
So … Do the thing you should be doing, even if it’s not great in and of itself. The fact that you’re managed to do it matters more than you think.
]]>What does that actually mean? Well, it has no hidden or deeper meaning, it means that how you do one thing, you do everything. It means that any activity you have or you adopt influences both your current ones and the ones you’ll adopt in the future; both for the positives and the negatives.
Think of it like this:
These are obvious examples_, you might say, and you’d be right. But this isn’t a one-stop relation, because, remember, _everything affects everything else.
Darren Hardy gives a pretty good example in his book, The Compound Effect, which I highly recommend, but I'll share the short version:
Buying a new TV will lead to watching more of it and, probably, staying up later. This will lead to waking up more tired, which leads to less energy at work. And this means being less productive, which can lead to negative feedback.
The final result is more stress, less energy and less willpower. After coming home from work it will be much easier to reach for that remote again. It’s an easy way for the brain to release that stress.
Of course, this doesn’t stop here. If you have a life partner, this stress, lack of energy and more time in front of the TV will affect your relationship. You'll both end up being even more stressed.
On the other hand, deciding to read more will lead to more knowledge. This means a better understanding of what’s good and what’s bad for you, so you might want to stay up less. This leads to waking up more energized. And this leads to being more productive and receiving positive feedback at work.
You can see where I’m going with this, it’s literally in the opposite direction, isn’t it?
Reading more has made me want to watch more seminars, to learn more. Up until last year I was watching "motivational videos" to motivate me, to boost my morale a bit. Now I want to learn from them, I'm extracting information.
I also started writing book summaries after I finish them. Which led to writing summaries out of the videos I watch. Which led to me wanting to summarize other stuff in my life, like my day, so I started journaling every day. I now summarize my days, weeks, months and years.
All this summarizing led me to start tracking what I eat and to be aware of what I consume. I then moved onto tracking how much water/tea I drink. This made me realize on my own that what gets measured gets improved. Even though I had read it before, I now internalized it. Finally, I started tracking what I spend, making me more aware of my poor spending habits.
We saw a few examples of how adopting new activities affects us, but what about the existing ones? How do they influence other areas of our lives? Well, they kind of act in the same way.
There is no such thing as ”I’m only careless with this area of my life”. Be honest with yourself and you’ll find out that you’re probably careless with other areas as well. If you’re slacking in one area of your life, you’re probably slacking in others too.
I’m not trying to be condescending. On the contrary, I’d like you to realize the actual situation, so you can improve it. I’ve been there, and until I became totally honest with myself, I couldn’t see the actual truth. I considered there’s nothing to improve.
Do you think getting pissed off in traffic is the only place you’re getting pissed off and talk inappropriately? Are you 100% sure it doesn’t happen with your kids, your dog or your spouse?
Or if you’re careless while driving and you don’t respect the laws, limits and other drivers, are you really respecting your coworkers, friends or neighbors?
If you have clothes all over the place in your room, are you really you aren’t careless with your work ethic or how you spend your time and money?
And if you don’t care about others, your time and money, do you truly take care of your health, mentally and physically?
The opposite is also true. When you reach a point where you’re disciplined and careful with a big part of your life, you’ll start noticing the areas of indiscipline, of carelessness and they’ll start to annoy you. You won’t be able to be indifferent about them. And you’ll start fixing them.
If for the past 6 months you’ve been reading everyday and taking care of your health, won’t it become clear that you probably should take care of your mind, as well? You might start meditating and/or being careful of what information goes into your head.
If you put in the effort and do your best when, say, washing the dishes or cleaning the house, won’t that train your mind to do your best in other areas as well? At work, for example?
And if it’s been long enough since you’ve taken care of your mind, health and work, how can you be indifferent to how your relations unfold?
By their nature, small things don’t have a big impact by themselves and they go unnoticed. But we now know that one small thing influences another small thing. All these small things add up to a major result.
What negative discipline do you ignore that might influence some other area of your life?
What do you think it’s too small to matter, but it might add up on the negative side?
What new positive habit could you adopt that would make you adopt others too?
Like I said last time, no step is too unimportant. Now we also know that everything affects everything else. I hope you’ll stop ignoring the small things, because those are the building blocks for the big things.
]]>What are the chores/tasks with the highest chance of failure? The big ones, the complicated ones, the ones that need a lot of effort, willpower and/or time.
Don’t fear the amount of change that needs to happen, that’s one of the worst thing you can do. Chances are it will paralyse you and you’ll remain stuck.
Sure, be honest with yourself; you have to be. Become aware of everything wrong and everything that needs fixing. But don’t focus on the whole change at once, don't focus on the big things right from the start.
The best thing you can do is to focus on the small things and start with those. Why? Because they’re easy to do, because they usually take less time and because they need close to no willpower. Besides, you have to also take care of these, anyway, right? You can't fix your big problems and leave your small ones unfixed.
But those things are too small, will they matter? you might ask, and the answer is yes. But I need to fix the big things! you might say, and you'd be right. But how can you take care of the big things if you haven't proved to yourself that you can take care of the small ones?
Two things will happen as you take care of your small disciplines:
I never made my bed. I didn’t have a tidy desk. I had clothes all over the place in my room. I didn’t wash the dishes after eating/drinking, and the list can go on. So I’ve been there myself.
But, at some point, I realised I have to be more organised, more disciplined. So I decided that I want to start washing my dishes right after eating/drinking and to start making my bed right after getting up.
I didn’t even think that ”I will start with these two”, I only wanted to do these two. I didn’t think that I’m an undisciplined person and that I need to revolutionise my life. I knew I have to, but I focused on these two.
This increased my self-confidence. I started believing that I can do this, that I can change for the better. If I could wash my dishes and make by bed, for sure I can improve other things as well!
From there on, when I wanted to make a new change, I had the previous proof that I can do it. I had more confidence that I’ll be able to, so it was easier. Having more confidence, I continued with other things with which I wasn't disciplined.
Keep an ordered desk? I can do it. More self-esteem.
Always put the clothes back in? I can do it. More self-confidence.
One small step at a time, one small change at a time, confidence and desire build. They add up to be an important force in your momentum. You’ll start noticing other things that need your attention in this area.
Those used napkins lying on the table? Off they go. More self-confidence.
Those empty bottles by the side of the bed? Off they go. More self-esteem.
Simply drop the jeans wherever on the balcony, to refresh? On a clothes hanger it goes. You guess it, more self-confidence.
And now, after a while, you find yourself having taken care of a big part of what felt overwhelming at the start. Your confidence is on the rise, you believe you’ll be able adopt bigger changes, you have more desire to do them.
When you start the change process and you become disciplined in one area of your life, you’ll start noticing other areas of your life that could use improvement. Your condition won't please you anymore. Your indiscipline will displease you and you'll look for ways to fix the affected areas.
If you’ve invested effort to improve your life, if you succeeded at it, you’ll start loving that feeling of improvement and accomplishment. It will drive you forward, no matter how small the improvements.
Start a diet? Exercise? Start reading? I can do it. I want to do it. What else can I do?
Start with the small stuff, because no step is too unimportant.
]]>Everyone in your life has come to expect a set of characteristics from you, they’re used to a certain identity of yours and certain actions; a set of beliefs about you. On the other hand, they also have a set of beliefs about themselves, life and how it should be lived.
When making any change to yourself — behaviour, principles, attitude; anything, really — no matter how big or small, those around you will not fully understand and agree with it because:
These changes don’t have to be drastic; you don’t have to be a new person all of a sudden; you don’t have to do anything inherently wrong; you just have to change. You'll be teased, made fun of, joked about, frowned upon, mocked or end up being excluded.
Now, don’t get me wrong, nor your friends. They don’t mean to attack you; they don’t want to hinder your progress nor mean you harm; they simply react to you being different from themselves and/or the group and don’t understand where you’re heading. They still care about you, but they also want the old you back and the group’s identity to remain unthreatened.
Say you want to start getting up at 7 AM, so you can have some extra time in the morning for building a new routine; that means you need to go to bed earlier, which means you have to come home earlier or not go out. Well, if your friends are night-owls or spend the evening out until 11 PM, expect to be at the very least teased for going home at 9 PM.
To name a few of my own, I’ve been teased and made fun of for coming home too early, for going to sleep too early, for waking up too early, for having to go home and feed the dog, for being ”too civilised”, for respecting the speed limit or parking spaces, for being ”too fair”. For most of my life, I haven’t even realised how these actually affected me.
As a real example, in the past year I cut the sugars as much as I could, but I do eat something sweet occasionally. I’ve had really close relatives, including my father, ask me twice if I don’t want another slice of whatever sweet I had in front of me, even though I already said no, even though they knew I’m trying to limit the sugar intake.
I’m 100% aware they meant no harm, in any way whatsoever and that they care about me and love me, I have no doubt about this and I care about them and love them as well; but it’s a good example of being misunderstood or conflicting with others’ belief system.
The downside of all this misunderstanding is that every tease or mock, question or simple remark, no matter how serious or mild it is, no matter if it was a joke or not, no matter if it was with the best intention, it affects you in the very slightest way; it makes you double question your choices; it makes you use more willpower to continue your path; it causes doubt. Even jokes!
Because ”what if they’re right?”, ”what if I’m going crazy?”, ”what if I made a wrong choice?”, ”come on, one more slice can’t be that bad” are questions that will pop into your head and you’ll have to fight them; and no matter how easy it is to dismiss them, it takes energy to do so.
The hardest part is the very beginning. That’s when you’ll need the most energy. That’s when the dangers of going back to your old self are the greatest. And that’s because at the start you’re conflicting with both your group and yourself. Most of your identity is still in accordance to the group.
Sometimes and for some people, that’s how the journey ends. That’s when they’ll go back to their old self and everyone will be ”happy again”; the group has ”succeeded” in ”saving” their member. But the saddest part is actually the fact that giving it another try in the future will be much harder — if ever — because they’ll have the past failure to deal with, on top of all the misunderstanding that will appear again.
So, remember, you will be misunderstood. But that’s OK. Just keep doing your thing and remember that no one really means harm, they still care about you, so don’t misunderstand back.
]]>If your plan is to start reading regularly, what’s stopping you from starting now, Friday at 7pm? The widely spread idea that the weekend is the time to go out? Why not both, if that’s what you wish? Even 2 pages and you're on your way.
If your plan is to start eating healthy, what’s stopping you from starting now, Dec 21st at 4pm? The tables full of food you’ll sit at during holidays? Who says you have to eat everything? Not everything on the table will be healthy and you might slip, but you can start by eating with moderation and/or focusing on the healthy stuff.
Why does it have to be a new something_? This only postpones you starting to work on your goal, delaying its accomplishment, but it also greatly reduces the chances of even starting at all. The more we wait, the less chances we’ll start. The perfect moment is literally _now_, while the idea is fresh, the decision is definite and the motivation is high. As time passes, all of these fade away; adopt a _start now mentality. [I’ll write more about this in a future post]
The second thing to be mentioned is having a plan for the upcoming year. This is the first year I’m doing it and it already brought me confidence I’ll handle it better than the last ones. When you plan your year, to the best of your abilities, it wipes some of the uncertainty away, it brings clarity, it paves a road to walk on; it boosts confidence by knowing where you’re heading, by knowing that you’re heading somewhere, somewhere you designed.
Sure, life happens sometimes, but there’s a tremendous difference between a boat going nowhere, lost to the mercy of the sea, and a boat with a clear destination and trajectory that stumbles upon an unexpected storm — the storm will pass and the boat can continue its journey.
Last thing is about resolutions, per se. This year I decided I want some. But they’re not material, they’re not short-lived, they’re not temporary or volatile. They’re long-term values and core values.
This year …
I want to keep reading every day. How many books? I don’t really care, nor plan for any amount, I just want to do it daily — this usually means ~15 mins in the morning, ~30 mins in the evening and audiobooks while I drive; not counting all the articles I read throughout the day.
I want to exercise every day. How much? Well, I plan to go to the gym x3/week, but I will lift weights and do pushups at home no matter what. How many? I don’t really care, nor plan for any amount, I just want to do it daily — this usually means 10 weight lifts & 10 pushups in the morning, then pushups every time I get up from the computer, as many as I feel like in that moment, but usually 5–10.
I want to lose 12 more kgs. This is the only one I have a target for, but that’s because I want to enter the normal BMI, which has a formula. But the actual resolution is not this, though; it’s to keep eating healthy: as few sugars (sweets, sodas, etc) and processed carbs (pasta, bread, etc) as possible (usually none for quite long periods), no junk food, less meat, no fast-food (or very rarely, we’re all human).
I want to keep developing myself: punctuality, professionalism, integrity, kindness, empathy, understanding, doing the best work that I can, doing more than what I’m expected of, keeping track of what I eat & spend. Greatly influenced by Jim Rohn’s advice on reflecting on your year/month/week and inspired by James’ integrity reports, I did the same and found many aspects I thought — or worse, was sure — I had figured out, but I ended up realising I was wrong. Nothing beats some cup of truth.
I want to help others develop. I want to share everything I learned and experienced, which is the reason for this section of the blog.
Sure, I have goals, I planned my year, but if the year goes all downhill and I manage to accomplish the above, I’ll still count it as a win. From my perspective, the resolutions to aim for are timeless; they’re the ones that make you say ”this was an amazing year” even if your goals go sideways. That’s why I didn’t set a year for these resolutions; these will be my resolutions every year from now on.
Not all years can go sideways, and at that point you won’t believe the progress you’ll make. Because if you invest in yourself, no matter how the year goes, you’ll start the next one wiser, stronger, more experienced and more prepared.
]]>I always relied on motivation. I always was a procrastinator. I always had my share of both super productive periods and super slacking periods. I worked at a company where I could slack all day, and that’s what I did; and I was OK with it, I played games all day long.
At a certain point I had enough, quit, learned to program and joined a company where the first 1–2 years were extremely productive, but the next 2–3 not so much; without much details, I knew I was plateauing myself, yet I didn’t leave until long after that.
I delayed personal projects time and time again, ultimately meaning some ended up never launching at all. I kept losing sight of my true goals and life-long desires due to meaningless daily struggles like ”my boss treated me badly” or ”I’m not getting enough recognition” and due to a wrong philosophy like ”this company isn’t worth it” or ”I’m not being paid enough”.
I have been obese my whole life, up to this year. At 189cm, I was up at 136 kg at some point. I managed to lose weight a few times, reaching as low as 115 kg, but always going back to ~125 kg (127 this year).
I never ate healthy, never cared what I eat and drink. My parents almost begged me for 14 years to stop drinking coke and other sodas, not to mention losing weight and exercising.
I never exercised my whole adult life and for most of my teen life, with a few exceptions — a year here, 6 months there, 3 months there.
I always had a bad temper. I was getting pissed off quite easily, especially in traffic.
I don’t think I have read any book my whole adult life, up to this year.
But lately, I’ve been trying (and succeeding!) to rely less on motivation and more on willpower, habits and discipline.
I changed my philosophy in regards to work, for example: ”the company might not be worth it, but I am” or ”the sum I’m being paid shouldn’t affect the quality of work I’m doing”. I started blocking struggles from clouding my goals: ”it doesn’t matter if the boss treated me badly, because I’m putting in the effort because I believe it’s the right thing, at the very least for me” or ”it doesn’t matter how much recognition I receive”, for the same reason listed above.
I changed my philosophy and attitude towards myself, others and life, in general.
I stopped getting pissed off. I’m as calm as I never thought I’d be.
I started caring about health. Maybe reaching 127 kg this year triggered my panic alarm, dude, again??. With very few exceptions: I stopped drinking anything except water (a bit extreme, I know, but I have a lot of weight to get rid of); I stopped eating junk food, sweets and carbs, I started eating more vegetables & smoothies. I started exercising 3x/week and meditating daily. I lost 25 kg this year, in 8 months. All of this without a real struggle; it became the new normal; except carbs, which still find their way, but I’m fully aware of what’s going on.
I read ~15 books, countless articles and seminars on self-improvement. I wrote summaries about all of the books and the seminars.
Lastly, just like I mention it on my about page, even though I never had the worry of tomorrow and my parents did offer me everything I needed, I didn’t have a splendid childhood, I made some bad mistakes in my teens and a lot more as a young adult, I’m not wealthy, nor famous. At the time of this writing I have ~480 followers on Twitter and ~1000 visitors/month after 5 years of blogging; at the start of this year these numbers were quite a bit lower.
I’m mentioning all of this so you can see that anyone can do it. All my life I’ve been watching motivational speakers say ”if I could do it, you can do it”, ”if a man like me made it, you can make it”, but I always thought that’s just encouraging talk, or that it’s easy for them, because they’re rich and/or famous.
Well, I can now see their perspective, and I can wholeheartedly say that if I managed to do it_, _you can do it as well. Join me in my story and learn about my road of improvement; there’s no _after_, because I now realise that we should strive to improve ourselves our whole lives; the moment you stop moving forward is the moment you start going backwards.
I will be writing about my journey, about what I learned, what I experimented with, what struggles I had, what worked, what I read, ideas and various topics. If my writing improves even one person’s life, it will mean the world to me, so don’t hesitate to drop me an email to let me know.
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